Playing Guitar Without Playing

Every once in a while, every guitarist get too caught up with practicing and honing their skills either technique wise or theory wise. With each day passing by, we think about how to further improve ourselves in order to play harder, faster and…. faster. Of course, this mindset is the right one that guitarists should have to further ourselves. Have you ever thought to yourself then, is playing guitar all about being faster than the other? Is playing guitar all about being able to execute more techniques than the other?

In the race of expanding our phrasing vocabulary, we often forget about the essence of rock ‘n’ roll itself. What is rock ‘n’ roll all about? Definitely, it’s not about being faster and better. Rock ‘n’ roll is not a sport, it is an art. Which is why I wanna talk about THE way to rock without being fast. And that one true way is making rock ‘n’ roll faces!


ROCK FACE NUMBER ONE

This is what I call “The Teeth Grit”. In order to execute this move, you will have to grit your teeth tightly as if someone has just ripped you a new asshole.. whether he wants to make you a little more aerodynamic or maybe… cause you’re just a genuine asshole. Do remember to close your eyes tightly in order to display to your audience that you are FEELING the note. It also shows how intense you are.


ROCK FACE NUMBER TWO

The second rock face is christened, the “OOH (add some vibrato, the heavier the better, when you say this to your friend) Face”. As you can see, the above dude is absolutely FEELIN! his note. The most suitable scenario to do this is when you’re bending up and doing vibrato after the bend. Feel free to bang your head a little if you want to. REMEMBER! No extreme up and down motion, just a little will do. Or else you’ll come of as a freak of nature.


ROCK FACE NUMBER THREE

OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS MAN IS TOTALLY DRUGGED OUT OF HIS MIND!!!!! The third rock face is what I’d like to call, “Lost in Fantasy”. Look at his eyes, it’s like he had just nicked Lucy’s Diamond in the Sky. This face will make you look as if you’re lost in your notes. You’ve gotten so into what you play you became so fucking high. If you can pull this off while drooling, kudos to you. WARNING: Do not fly until you can walk, don’t do the drooling before you can master the eyes and mouth. Otherwise you’ll become a laughing stock, and a faggot.


ROCK FACE NUMBER FOUR

One important note before I elaborate further, please skip this technique if you look like a faggot. How to find out if you’re one? It’s easy. Google some gay porn and watch. If you’ve managed to make it through 5 seconds, you’re a faggot. Also, if you have actually downloaded gay porn, you’re automatically a faggot without even having to watch it. AND, if you even bothered to take the first step, you’re one of them too.. Not to mention you deserve to die.. five times.. repeatedly without rest.

All these aside, only people with an intense face can pull this off. Notice the position of the eyebrows, both of your eyebrows must combine to make a “V” shape. Notice the shit that looks like a pussy in between the eyebrow? I don’t know what is that called but hell yeah it sure made it look more intense! The gap the mouth is easy to achieve though, just say “ahhhhhh” and you’ll get the exact width and height. This is called “The Fiery Eyes of Hell”. ADDITIONAL INFO: The best time to use this technique is when you do a pinch harmonic.


ROCK FACE NUMBER FIVE
This particular rock face is an ode to Yngwie Malmsteen himself. Which is why I call it, “The Viking Pride.” The face is very easy to do but it’s the timing that has led a lot of guitarists to their downfall. Even the greatest of guitarists dare not touch this technique cause they’ll just be labeled as a Yngwie wannabe. You might ask why there isn’t a poorly sketched drawing for this technique. Well I’ll tell you why, cause it’s so fucking untouchable you’ll have to watch the video for yourself!



Brilliant moments:-
1. 0:31-0:37 = The master is surprised his audience are still alive after 30 seconds.

2. 2:40-2:57 = After a fast passage, the master laughs at his godlike abilities.

3. 6:15-6:16 AND 7:27-7:28= Please do not attempt this move unless your name ends with Vai or Malmsteen. Legend has it that they have copyrighted this move.

4. 7:33-8:10 = The Viking Pride itself. Notice that at 7:52 people are standing in to pay respect and honor The Viking Pride. I heard rumours years ago that 1524 people died in this concert. Guess what they didn't do? You're right, they sat throughout The Viking Pride.

5. Based on the facial expression of the keyboardist:-
8:37 = "Oh my God what does he want again?"
8:47 = "For fuck's sake why the fuck am i supposed to do with this?"
9:01 = "Finally , let's just get this over with, ok?"
9:11 = "Yawn, same ol bullshit again."
9:15 = "God I look like Yngwie's bitch. Maybe i should do a ROCK FACE!"


Obviously there are more rock faces out there but it's impossible to document them properly in this blog without causing google's servers to overload. Have fun with your new rock face techniques, be sure to combine them to create combo expressions! Those are guaranDAMNteed to knock people's head off!