A Guide to Fucking Up Zombies

Okay I read an article awhile ago and it inspired me to write this shit. Since I have nothing productive to do, I thought I might share my views on the topic presented in the article.

For those of you who are too fucking lazy to click the link, please allow me to explain to you briefly what this post is about. I believe that most people who at least have ONE gaming friend will know that Left 4 Dead was once popular here in cybercafés in Malaysia. I’m not sure, but I think the craze died out in a matter of weeks.

“What is Left 4 Dead?” I imagined a poorly informed citizen of Malaysia asking. Left 4 Dead is a game where you can play in groups of FOUR, obviously (also an obviously lame ass pun). Briefly, Left 4 Dead is about FOUR human beings who went raining a huge shitstorm on zombies just because they felt like it. Believe me when I say this, I’m sure most people who played Left 4 Dead will somehow think, “(Insert a deity’s name), what the fuck am I gonna do if this shit ever happens, zombie invasions are pretty logical for fuck’s sake!?”

The question the said article posed is, “What’s Your Zombie Contingency Plan?” So without further ado, here’s my masterplan.

Day 1-3
I consider myself as a thoughtful and caring human being, so to uphold my views, I’ll have to call my family, relatives and friends (this depends on their closeness to me. Hopefully you’ve treated me a lunch or two in the past few weeks. If you haven’t, then fuck you) and inform them about the impending disaster. Because I have no cash with me now, they’ll have to fly to KL to meet me. The probability of them having police friends and rich friends will be high, so I’ll contact the police friends for firearms. The rich friends, they’re just chess pieces in the game. I’ll feign sympathy and let them join, just cause I wanna use their money to buy supplies if some arrogant piece of shit decides to make profit out of this scenario.

For the time being, I’ll move back to my house at Puchong. Fuck the police station cause I’m sure zombies hate the police too. Barricade the whole place with my teammates (not before robbing supplies from the nearby grocery store).

After relatives and friends reach KL, I’ll drive a bus to AirAsia and pick them up. I hope there’ll be zombies at the airport cause I think it’ll be cool to actually crash into the building out to the airfield to pick them up. I’ll also remember to play Metal songs (no soft songs cause that’ll make you pussy out and just give yourself up to the zombies).

Day 4-10
Hopefully everyone is safe. After that, we’ll steal more lorries and proceed to the dock. We’ll then try to take over as many ferries as possible from the zombies. Subsequently, we’ll go to some island and destroy whatever that is not human. Animals are spared though, cause we need to eat their sorry lives. If anyone eats an infected animal, well.. too bad for you, cause I’ll have to blow your head off. Not because you’re unlucky, it’s cause you’re too fucking stupid to differentiate between those two.

To battle against zombies, the most important thing is being systematic. A timetable of coast guards, supplies gathering unit, anti-extinction OR sex unit (dude we’ve gotta repopulate the entire Earth just in case everyone gets wiped out, it’s a tough job! I’ll make sure I cheat myself into this unit) and so on. This way we’ll be safe 24 hours for fear that some smart zombie make it to the island.

Day 10- x Months
Depending on the size of the population, we might have to colonize other islands. We’ll also try to get in contact with other human strongholds to share strategies and ideas. After everyone gets settled, we’ll start a barrack to train zombiefuckers (these are people who fuck zombies, not sexually but you know.. fucking them up with guns and whatnot). This is Earth, it’s our home, not some ugly motherfuckers’ playground, right?

X Months - ??
Depending on the efficiency of the zombiefuckers, the time when earth heals herself is pretty variable. With me in command though, I’m sure 2 years is all we need. After that, I’ll become King of Earth and everyone will worship me until I die. Oh yeah, anyone under my rule who doesn’t listen to Paul Gilbert will be stoned to death. What, you thought I’m going for democracy? FUCK that shit!


Pros: Don’t you think it’s pretty credible? Even if you don’t think so, the anti extinction OR sex unit part is pretty attractive, yes?

Cons: Now that I think of it, with Malaysia’s quality of firearms, we’re considered lucky as fuck if we ever made it to the airport. I don’t even know if the firearms we have are enough to blow an arm or two off a-la Left 4 Dead.


Do leave a brief strategy of your own if you want to. And if you decide to give us an in-depth look into your strategy (or whore yourself), post it in your blog and provide a link.