Dear Diary,

Last night Paul Gilbert appeared in my dream. He floated down from the sky, accompanied by a couple of angels holding PGMs. Each comes in different colours. I wanted to wrap my hands around neck of the angel holding a PGM401 so that I can have her guitar. I am truly sorry Paul, I will not ever have sinful thoughts again. Anyway, Paul himself held his trusted six string weapon of choice, the Fireman. Rays of light shone upon him the whole time he appeared in flesh. For a moment there, I was scared. I almost peed my pants. But I felt like a prophet, for now I know how all the prophets before me felt. He proceeded to pass me his latest instructional DVD entitled, “Silence Followed By A Deafening Roar Guitar Instructional DVD And Shred Annex.” Then he said to me,

“Slowiehands. Even though your nickname is totally unoriginal, lame and is a play on Eric Clapton’s Slowhand, I will forgive you. Just cause you’re the only one fan who goes to youtube.com everyday without fail, type in Paul Gilbert in the search engine, and proceed to click “Newest” every. fucking. day. You’re a fucking stalker, do you know that?

All that aside, I have realized that you haven’t been writing a tribute post to me in a long time. Now now, that is very sinful, my son. I hope you will realize your sinful ways and repent if you want to ever step foot on the garden of Gilbertdom. Don’t you know? Every Gilbertians will be given all my CDs and DVDs. And they’re free, you cheap fuck. I know you’re thinking if you have to pay for them, you immoral Gilbertian.

That is all I have to say, young one. Go out there and spread Gilbertology. Let hell rain a firestorm upon those who dare blaspheme against me. And force them to sit in your car and listen to Viking Kong at least 6 times. This DVD is a gift for you. A revelation, you may say. Now go, my son. Go~~~~~”

Then he floated back up to the clouds, I think I saw Jimi there getting ready to shine Paul’s shoes. Damn, too bad he died young, I wonder how long he’s been shining Paul’s shoes. Poor soul. Before I wake up, I still remember vague instances of me kneeling down, flailing my arms freely in the air while screaming “All hail Gilbert!” over and over again. It’s pretty gay but hey, what is a man to do when he encounters a godly presence? In order to show that I know more about Paul than the other Gilbertians, I will post a video of him dropping the F-bomb which he rarely does, on my blog.

Impossible Is Nothing

Below is a conversation between two mature, grown up gentlemen. This brief discussion took place in a very high classed restaurant on top of some tall building in a certain city. But may God damn these two souls to hell, for their intentions were not pure. Sin consumed their bare heart and soul, leaving nothing left for the pure to grab hold of. Let’s not waste time, and let me unravel the conversation concerning .. “The Ultimate Argument of the Possible.”

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A: Hmm, do you believe in time travel like in the movie, Back to The Future? *takes a sip off the glass of wine*

B: Not really, it is a highly improbable feat to achieve. Ah, let me rephrase. It is definitely impossible for our small brains to accomplish time travel. Take your time to prepare your rebuttal, friend.

A: Time? I need not time to counter your argument. Have you ever seen shit eating porn? The 2 Girls 1 Cup shit? Yeah, the one when you grabbed your dick getting ready to jack off but got freaked out when you saw them licking shit? AND YOU TELL ME TIME TRAVELLING IS IMPOSSIBLE? ALL THIS BULLSHIT WHEN YOU’VE SEEN SHIT EATING PORN? THERE IS NOTHING, NOTHING OUT THERE IN THIS WORLD THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE WHEN YOU’VE SEEN SHIT EATING PORN! *jumps off the building to his death*

B: *grabbing the chairs with his sweaty palms* May Satan spare his soul, at least don’t torture him by making him watch shit eating porn for eternity….
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Although the above conversation is purely fictional and fully takes place in my imagination, I would like to make a clever guess that approximately 1/3 of the porn surfing community have never lived a normal life after watching shit eating porn. Either they committed suicide, or they failed committing suicide and end up in the hospital. What I’d like to convey through this post is that I think nothing is impossible in this world except eternity.. or time.

Let’s talk about the possible first. Can you imagine human eating something out from the asshole? When we were young we were told to not eat shit, or even step on shit. But these brave souls proved us wrong. Shit is edible, shit eating is their profession. I take their work as an insult personally, it’s like all my beliefs are trampled on mercilessly, they’ve thrown their food(shit) all over my belief that shit eating is impossible. Dayum! Now I can’t ask people to eat shit anymore, who knows they secretly love eating shit! (Sam I’m looking at you)

That day I stumbled upon a disgusting blog talking about BDSM and bestiality. What ran through my mind was, “Nah this is impossible, no sane human being would do this kind of shit.” But analytically, I rested on my white plastic mamak chair and thought to myself, “But then again, this shit doesn’t even come close to shit eating porn!” Carefully, I closed the browser, hoping never to encounter such insidious crime against humanity ever again…

On the other hand,

Eternity, in my opinion, is the ONLY thing that is impossible. Not that I’m complaining that I haven’t enough time to fuck chicks and whatnot. Hell, I’m kinda scared of eternity. Imagine what the fuck you’re going to do if you’re gonna live for eternity. Watch tv all day? Think of shit to blog about all day? What if you got cancer at the age of 30 and you have to live through it until a cure is found? Now that shit is fucking boring, and painful too.

Moral of the story, next time when you think something is improbable. Think shit eating porn. It will open a whole new world for you. Just like when Aladin thought it’s impossible to fly on a flying velvet carpet with Jasmine.

Me, You, Them, Us

Some of us live our live grandly and some below average. Complain or boast however you want, but isn’t it true when I say we sometimes live our life just like any other person out there? Whether you are rich or poor, it doesn’t really matter. We are bonded by those tiny moments that all of us can relate to. This is what I think whenever I compare myself to people living a better life than me, or worse. No matter what, we as humans are still the same. Just that some are a tad bit luckier than the other. It makes me smile, though.. knowing that I share similarities with people I don’t know, you may call it humanism. These kind of things make us unite as the human race.

Ah, yes I’ve touched the surface of human tribalism in the last post but hey, hypocrisy is also an innate thing we all share, right? Cut to the chase, I’d like to share with you little things that may sound insignificant, but downright bond us together as a species.

1. Ever went to mamak stalls, and they guy just won’t come and let you pay for your food no matter how hard you waved, how hard you do the West Malaysian “kissy” sound?

2. Ever woke up thinking today is Sunday for almost the whole day when it is only Saturday?

3. Ever scratched someone else’s car with yours, only to get the fuck out of there hoping that no damn soul saw what the fuck you just did?

4. Ever wondered if anyone is coming up the stairs when you’re masturbating? Then you made yourself ejaculate faster, go out of the room only to find out everyone is sleeping? Bummer, right?

5. Ever felt like the whole room is trying to see the size of your dick when you’re pissing into a urinal? So you gotta hide your dick like the devil’s coming for it?

6. Ever tried saying Hello to a distant friend of yours only to be ignored by him or her? Then you just want to land your clenched fist onto his or her face?

7. Ever breakout into a song to hide the fact that you were actually dancing to some gay song on the radio? Yeah, fucking embarrassing, I know.

8. Ever felt like telling your friends that you love them(as a friend -_-) but held back because you’re afraid that you might sound gay?

9. Ever faked not hearing your girlfriend say, “I love you” just because you wanted to hear it twice?

Last but not least,

10. Ever felt like commenting on reversed kyanon but afraid that you might sound like an asshole?

Guy is Smart, Decides to Start Wars

It has been brought to my attention that I haven’t been writing life-altering scriptures that make me oh-so politically-conscious on my blog. Before you get your mouth running, nope I don’t care about the world unless it affects me in a third degree relationship. Why should I worry about the world when I have so many fucking problems myself? As trivial as they may seem, my problems are bigger than yours because me living under a bridge begging for spare change does not affect you, but me. Well, maybe the occasional, “Do you have spare change?” But hey, you can choose not to give any.

I have this little theory that many others before me would’ve thought of, since smart minds think alike. And I would like to share this theory with you all. A brief reminder though, please do not take anything you read on the internet seriously, including this one. I am telling you right fucking now that I’m only partially serious about this. Shall we begin?

Okay, I personally think that we aren’t gonna live through 50. Forget all the sugar coated statements made by political figures all around the world saying we’re at peace and whatnot. No, we’re not fucking at peace. We just wanna destroy whoever that don’t belong. What I’m trying to imply is, we as humans are still mammals all along. No matter how far we’ve progressed as our civilization, there’s still this instinct deep inside of us. It’s called the survival instinct, tribal at its very core, like a beast contained in the curtains of laws. Laws, who wrote them? Men. Men smart enough to know that they have to limit the people who are able unleash their beast upon the world. In other words, these people try to hold you back in your line, let you think you have rights when you have none. Or make you suck their dicks.

DIGRESSION ALERT: A BRIEF INTRODUCTION TO DICK-SUCKING
You might not realize but each one of us has been sucking dicks everyday ever since we’re born. Remember the time you had to get 100% in your English just cause you wanted your dad to buy you that PS2 so badly? Remember the time when the teacher said, “I’ll let you off early if you pay attention in class?” Remember the time when you gave that policeman RM20 cause you wanna get the fuck out of the roadblock? Remember the time when you had to act differently from your usual self just to not piss off a certain someone? FUCK YES, that’s all sucking dick in my book, it might not be literal but the idea is there.

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So less on dick sucking and more on war shit. Believe it or not, people just wanna control other people. Doctors, engineers, whatever the fuck profession you can think of. We just want to control your money, control you, make you come to us when you have problems with your health, problems with your toilet. Oh boy we work so damn hard just to have that control. On a larger scale though, society wants to control you through wars. I mean, let’s get fucking real. In the last 100 years there’s so many wars fought in the name of “freedom” and “rights” (which are all man-made). And there’s one or two that hit us, the Japanese Invasion, anyone? What makes you think there isn’t gonna be any war in the next 100? Believe me, when it rains, it pours. We’re gonna get hit so fucking hard I’d jack off one last time before I hit the ground. Or maybe punch the guy next to me, just for the sake of it.

To conclude, human tribalism is here to stay. That means we’ll always be competing, ousting people who don’t look and act the same with us. If it goes onto a larger scale, wars happen. The gears of war are already starting to rotate. Have fun and fuck chicks before it’s too late. Don’t forget to suck your daily dicks for survival. A dick a day keeps the money coming in.

Pain Don't Hurt

Please do not fuck me up when I say this is not an "update for the sake of updating" post. I read a...nother quote the other day and it inspired me in a non-carnal way. So yours truly decided to write a blues song of some sort.Don't you think "pain don't hurt" is just so damn manly to say? But I tried to go the other way and be as emo/faggy as I can. Personally, I like the irony of what I wrote. Try to guess what each verse means if you have the time (yeah I wrote what has been happening to me these days). Let me just sneakily insert another quote here: You can't play the blues till you've got the blues.

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Took a left
When I reached the junction of success
No regrets
What I say when my life is a mess
Pain don’t hurt
Tough it out just like the rest

My best friend,
Be with me till your fire is put out
Rest assured
As addiction makes you eternal
Pain don’t hurt
Though it makes you nocturnal

My legs cut
Soon enough I won’t be seeing red
Close my eyes
Still they won’t bring freedom back to me
Pain don’t hurt
Just walk it out to be free

Do you have
The time for a poor boy
Don’t worry
Let’s just waste another day
Pain don’t hurt
It’ll show you another way

Pain don't hurt
Isn't life a game
Pain don't hurt
Cancer's just a wait
Pain don't hurt
That's what he said

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Okay this is twenty minutes after I wrote the stuff above. Twenty minutes before I actually wanted to end the post there. But after much thought, I've decided to record myself playing and upload it to youtube(doing it as I type here). Did this in one take, so to the professionals... please be kind :)

p.s. Around 3:46 I tried to incorporate pauses into the fast lick but epicly failed. Sorry sorry! Not long after that is another repeated 4 note lick which I made mistakes on. And I'm terribly sorry if your ears hurt when the organ comes in. Turns out that I had my speakers on too loud. That's why you can't hear my string skip and sweep pick at the end. Which is kinda cool too now that I think of it cause it's not clean heheh. Finally, please lower the bass knob if you have one on your speaker. I've already put mine to -1 cause it's too loud. Oh yeah the video is tilted sideways I don't know how to adjust it.

p.p.s. There's a lick that's repeated in the video. It's a bent D, then an A, and C. It's supposed to be sung like the starting of the verse(which has three words). Halfway throughout the song I forgot all about it -_- Anyway, sorry if that 3 note thing is annoying. Have fun.

Quote of the Day

WARNING: This post is one of those "update just for the sake of updating" posts. I am gladly informing you that the close button is the 5x5mm button shaped like a cross on the top right corner of your browser. Please skip this post if you have something else better to do like masturbating or crying.. And also worshiping Paul Gilbert. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

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You know, those bloggers on the internet always have bullshit to say on their blogs. Stuff like:

START
*randomly copied quote or lyrics from a song they're infatuated with*
END

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Yes, I know that I'm none the better by writing this post but hell yeah I'm the least worst among them. To prove my point I will gladly describe why think this "quote of the day" is an internet gold waiting to be unearthed. And maybe a little walkthrough for the video. Yes you are correct again, it's a fucking youtube video. If you know me well enough, you will know that I spend half of my time dicking around youtube.com looking for inane shit to look at.



Upon inspecting the description of the video which can be found on the right hand side of your browser, you will see that it says "A man named Paul Gilbert playing guitar." This sentence/quote screams the word genius all over the fucking place because of its irony. Every guitarists know that Paul Gilbert isn't just any man. Every guitarists know that Paul Gilbert isn't actually playing the guitar, he's actually massacring every guitarists out there in this video. And fuck yeah, every guitarists know that Paul Gilbert is saying, "Yeah *nods* I'm better than you all underlings *nods*." through this video.

For you noobs out there, no.. Paul Gilbert does not have three hands even though he has godlike status. That hand is his bassist's hand acting as a "human capo". For more information on capos please visit your friendly internet-hood Wikipedia for more information. The rest of the video is pretty much self-explanatory: It's Mr. Gilbert demonstrating how he only needs three strings + an extra hand + a delay pedal to rain a firestorm upon the world.


p.s. Oh yeah you have to click on the video to actually see the description. Sorry.

p.p.s. Before any of you dumbfucks say anything stupid. Please take note that I KNOW most guitarists have seen this video at least 10 times. This video is for my non-guitar playing friends who blaspheme against Paul Gilbert. Thank you.

The Weekly Pilgrimage

Now, it's very possible that people will say they call bullshit whenever I say I listen to almost every type of music out there. And please let me clarify. Yes, I do listen to hip hop and whatnot even though I'm almost always talking about shred music or heavy metal in here. In order to not sound like a hypocrite, I wrote this song for you all (especially friends at Music Master). Please take note of this, this is meant to be a rap song. You can sing it if you want, though.

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The Weekly Pilgrimage


Travelling through highways in my tricked out myvi
The cops want some money so they fucking stopped me
But when they saw my yellow fucked RG in the backseat
In their blue pants they straight away shiver and pee

Off to the temple of shred I go
Got too hot and I rolled down my tinted window
Bitches be staring me when they hear my stereo
Playing shred music like there’s no tomorrow

I gave them the middle finger ‘fore callin them bitch
“You’re too pussy for this kind of heavy music”
Now stop staring ‘fore I gouge your fucking eyes out
And fingerfuck them sockets till you scream your lungs out

Reached the temple of shred in a minute or two
I ascend the steps trying to act like I’m super cool
I see Sam smiling there acting like a fool
He sees my tricked out RG and he starts to drool

I sit down and he asks, “Oi wanna jam mou?”
I said, “Of course la muhfucka diu lei lou mou.”
“Travelled so far just to see yo damn face? You gay?”
Let’s get it on, turn it on, get your pick and let’s play


Should I sweep pick , legato or just alternate?
No, fuck slow playing cause it’ll sound moderate
Guitar playing is just another damned fucking race
Who’s faster, who’s cleaner sure is the best

After an hour or so Clem comes rolling in
With his batman shirt looking like a pimp
Sam starts forcing me to follow them go “ta gei”
I said, “No money la, maybe some other day.”

Then he’ll bug me like shit just like everyday
I gave up resisting cause he said he’ll help me pay
‘Fore we play we’ll go where roti canais stay
And hear Clem and Sam debate the topic of the day

1 win, 2 wins and Clem has to go home
Either his girlfriend scolded or he got work tomorrow
Left me and Sam full of sadness and sorrow
Cause he forgot to treat us play computer, fuck no!

We roll back to Music Master and have a drink downstairs
Roti bakar, teh ais, and grabbed us some white chairs
Talk til 5 or 6 if I’m in the mood
My pilgrimage done, I go home feeling good