Valentine's Day Massacre

Once again, I find cupids peeking through the corner at me, snickering with those shit eating grin on their face laughing at me for being lonely. They thought to themselves, “What can a harmless boy do to us?” And oh boy they thought wrong, that’s for sure.

I lunged at them Bruce Lee style and dispatched the first cupid with just one kick while spontaneously ripping him another new asshole. The other one tried to run away but I hastily grabbed hold of his right ankle just in time. And proceeded to dismember him with my supersized member. Devastating. I stood before his dead body for a second or two and proclaimed myself awesome.

By the time I completed admiring my godlike abilities, the last cupid has already flown out the window. The gears of shame are starting to spin and I had no choice but to rely on my last resort. I put my head down low and remained still. I then prayed to Paul Gilbert. Some might call it a coincidence, but a plane flew by and knocked that cupid down to earth at the speed of pain. You see, this is the difference between you and me, because I called that an answered prayer.

Without further ado, I took out my kyanon and belted out arguably the greatest song in the history of shred ever, Viking Kong (I wanted to play Queen’s We Are The Champion but the religion of Gilbertology prohibits me from doing so). Just cause I’m cool like Vikings and have a gigantic member like King Kongs. People walking on the pavement stood there with disgusted faces by I know they’re just jealous. I bet my lunch they constantly sit on the plastic chair in their room, filming their damned self playing their shitty cover of Paul’s songs with their shitty webcam and post it up on youtube.

Okay okay, now that I’ve truthfully told you what do I do on a daily basis, it’s time to get to the point of the post. A friend reminded me that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Did he end up like the cupids? Well, he got a guaranteed tidal wave of FUCKS with cleverly inserted nudges on his MSN messenger. Hmph that’ll show him. Anyway, I’ll be spending Valentines with this girl.



And then sing this song with her.



GEE GEE GEE GEE BABY BABY BABY!!