I Died

Last night I died and then lived again after watching this video. FOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!



I don't know about this, but I think when a guy sees a girl with a hot body. The only sound they'll make are these:

"Ooooooh"

"Fooooooh" <--just add F in front of the ooooooh

"OOOOOOH"<-- this one is kinda like oooh but it's a long OH instead.

"xxxxiiiii"<--the sound you make when you grit your teeth and inhale. for a combo effect the practitioner is expected to then make a "HOOOOOOOO" exhaling sound.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" <--supposed to end with a "CK" but then usually you'll die before finishing it. This expression is only reserved for people like Kate Beckinsale and Monica Bellucci. Paul Gilbert too, if you're gay.

As you have probably predicted, I did say FUUUUU and died before completing it. The curves, the fair skin, smooth legs, fat ass cheeks that beg some pinching action... XXXXXIIIIIIII.Sometimes, it makes you wonder why instead of these five and the usual cuss words like GODDAYUM!, people never see a chick with a hot bod and say, "Hmm I think this girl has good future prospects."

one of the reasons why girls shouldn't have long hair

Preceding these hypocritically down to earth statements are always thoughts about wanting to fuck that said hot chick or just having her as a girlfriend. Needless to say, I made all four of these CONTINUOUSLY while wanting to just spread her legs ala how eagles spread their wings. I christen this move, the "Flying Eagle". This is just a short prelude to my next post. Which is obviously about girls! Have fun reading, and waiting.

Monday (Unexpected Continuation)

I meant coke. I giggled inside my heart like a 6 year old brat and said, "Yeah why not?" Then I remembered that I told Vincent I would write boring shit about how my day went cause we came to a conclusion that these shit garner more comments. Now that I've finished typing this post in 10 minutes, I want my 30+ comments, motherfuckers.

Oh wait, I haven't properly linked all my friends who blog so I have to do it now..... Okay it's done. While linking these blogs, I decided that after this I will dry my clothes and go to sleep.

Now that I've completely through with this shit in 13 minutes, I now want 50+ comments, you shit-eating unappreciative motherfuckers.

p.s. Wow, this is a fucking long post. Have fun reading!

p.p.s. Wa caocibai this post was too fucking long that my blog got fucked right after I posted this shit. My titles got screwed up, there weren't any archives and shit like that. I guess my life is kind of exciting.. heheh

p.p.s. Okay it was still fucked up. And I found out that it's because I didn't put an apostrophe ("<----this little dipshit right here) after i typed the html link to Vincent's blog. Yeah, my life is exciting. And I still want my now increased 70+ comments.

p.p.p.s. I edited the post before because I remembered DWFUCKTHISFUCKINGNAMEDOUBLEIKION messaged me on MSN. After that, I edited this post again to tell you fuckers this shit. I'm so honest sometimes I'm scared of myself. THIS IS A NO HOLDS BARRED HONEST POST THAT EVENTUALLY TOOK ME ALMOST HALF AN HOUR. END.

Monday

I woke up at around 1030 in the morning. How did I know? Cause I fucking looked at my phone after I woke up. Not contended with the sleep that I had, I continued to lie around (Always a good excuse for being lazy). Half an hour later, Steve Vai's Gentle Ways begin playing through my phone's speakers. Note to self: this song is beginning to annoy me. Remember to change alarm ringtone. Wake up call from a friend after that.

I got up and powered up the laptop, took off my pants and noticed my early morning erection. Too bad there's no pussy to go with this Godzilla dick of mine. I went to brush my teeth and take a bath. I forgot to wash my formal clothes last week so I decided to wear the same shit I last wore. I didn't tell a soul so I hope nobody finds out. I proceeded to dry my hair and shit. Hey, even men have to take care of their appearance these days, fuck society norms.

After dicking around on facebook, I went down to my Myvi(小红）and fetched my friend and we went for lunch at some fucking overpriced chicken rice restaurant of some sort. I paid RM50 but she gave me another RM50 back. I suddenly think that was the best chicken rice I've ever had. I finally gave in to my addiction and went to 71(some 24/7 shop that has clearly no originality). We then went to college.

Waited for around 15 fucking minutes for the van. I had the urge to just take off my pants and walk to college, it was THAT hot. Or maybe it's the feminine me talking to myself. Reached college and daydream for an hour and half. Halfway through, this China friend decided that he wants to be disturbed and asked me why I didn't hold his hand up so that the teacher will ask him to answer the question, because I did it to my other friend. I was afraid that he'd cry so I did it to him. He then squealed... or something like that and proceeded to hit me twice. The teacher said something like this,

"Why are you touching him. Please sit in front!!!"

Jesus Christ, you didn't have to make me into a rape victim, do you? She said it as if I complied to the rape itself. Fuck that shit. Anyway, class ended and we went to another class. Blabla boring bullshit I sat through the whole class trying to hide from the teacher's view cause I was feeling sleepy. After that class, Raymond called me and asked if I wanted to go for dinner at 5 fucking 30. I'm afraid of loneliness so I agreed to fetch Wei Jian. He then called me again and said it's cancelled. Yay!

I went home and chatted with my friend while browsing some comedy sites/forums with hope that those long lost creative juices will start flowing again. Listened to 陈奕迅's 你的背包 for the rest of the night. Around 8, we went to Carrefour for KFC since we're feeling like eating some chicken. I don't know about them but I did. There never really was a choice, heheh. We finished and got lost in the carpark for a few seconds.

Came back at 9 and continued listening to that song. Chatted with a friend again while re-reading michaelooi.net. This guy should be given a Nobel Prize just for blogging, no shit. Around 12 something, my friend wanted to sleep so I said goodnight and bye bye.

Somewhere in between, my friend DW some fucking double-I kion (what a fucking confusing name) messaged me on MSN and said hello. Well, his version of hello is, "hey let's go gg(Garena a.k.a. DoTA). I declined cause I didn't feel like playing on this piece of shit laptop. I think that answer sparked the inner gay in him because he started talking about wanting me to buttfuck him and some shit like that. I closed his window straight away.

Then I continued reading and reading. Wei Jian came in to Randall's room (Sorry man, but it's my territory for this one week) and asked me if I wanted some cock.....

My Way Killings

I'm not gonna write anything original today. Life isn't really inspiring when you're sitting in front of your computer the whole day, for days. But as usual, reversedkyanon is here to bring you all the interesting obscure facts from all around the world. What I'm about to paste are snippets from a wikipedia page on "My Way Killings". Why snippets? Cause I know you motherfuckers can't stand reading too much shit on the internet when you're diagnosed with ADD. Fuck you guys, seriously.

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The "My Way" killings are a social phenomenon in the Philippines, where the killing of karaoke singers who get into disputes about their renditions of Frank Sinatra's signature tune, "My Way", has led some bars to ban the song and other singers to abstain from singing it. Opinions differ over whether the deadly pattern is due more to the coincidence that the song was frequently sung amid the violence of the nation's karaoke bars or to the aggressive lyrics of the song itself.

On May 29, 2007, a 29-year-old karaoke singer of "My Way" at a bar in San Mateo, Rizal, was shot dead as he sang the tune, allegedly by the bar's security guard, who was arrested after the incident. According to reports, the guard complained that the young man's rendition was off-key, and when the victim refused to stop singing, the guard pulled out a .38-caliber pistol and shot the man dead.

Some Filipinos, even those who love the song, won't sing it in public in order to avoid trouble.

look into my eyes... AND KILL THAT ANNOYING MOTHERFUCKER BESIDE YOU!

"Karaoke rage" is not just limited to "My Way" in the Philippines. "There have been several reported cases of singers being assaulted, shot or stabbed mid-performance, usually over how songs are sung,"

In Malaysia in 2008, a man at a coffee shop hogged the karaoke microphone so long he was stabbed to death by other patrons.

In Thailand, a man was arrested on charges that he shot to death eight neighbors, one of whom was his brother-in-law, in a dispute stemming from several karaoke offerings, including repeated renditions of John Denver's "Country Roads".

now we know why it's not called bloodbox

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To a certain Wong Hii Kion, you better watch out next time when you go sing with us. Remember folks, alcoholic drinks can make friends enemies. But people who jump song queues and keep the mic for themselves will make friends MURDERERS!

If I Worked for Jack

The silence of the night gently ushered me to sleep right after I decided that there was enough bullshit hands dealt to me in Zynga's Poker game on Facebook. Setting the alarm to wake me up at 1pm the next day, I slipped into my pajamas and lied on the bed anticipating a good night sleep. Out of a sudden, Mr. Big's Green Tinted Sixties Mind played on my cellphone. It was a phone call. From Jack Neo a.k.a. 梁智强.

"Hey Chun Kiat, I'm in deep shit right now. It's going to be on the news tomorrow."

"Calm down Jack, tell me what you need. You KNOW my motherfucking brilliance will get you out of whatever shithole you're in." I replied after sensing a grave tone in his speech.

He exhaled after a moment of definite silence. I can almost smell the faint scent of cigarette smoke coming out of his mouth. Dunhill. Lights. 20s. Bought at the 7-11 right across the road... At least that's what he told me the last time we talked. I chose not to disclose this personal addiction of his to his mother.

the smell of cigarettes. and sex scandals.

"Chun Kiat, this is going to fuck my reputation up. Even thought half of these motherfuckers are fucking sluts right inside their Alphards parked in their garage while their wives are making chicken rice for them, they still want to condemn me for this."

"WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED?! WHO DID YOU FUCK WITH THIS TIME?!" I screamed into the phone, prompting my mom to threaten me with a spank on the ass for not sleeping at 5am.

"Wendy. Wendy Chong. There's a press conference tomorrow, you gotta pull me out of this dump. And I swear by God, if you don't come up with something good, I'm going to turn into a vampire and bite you. Then I'll flip your wallet for your ID, locate your home and bite all your family members. They'll bite the others and when the time comes, I'll have these fucking vampires descend upon Singapore. Their blood is in your hands, darling.

Right then I was sweating like a porn star doing a 40 men gangbang. Intense. I calmly replied, "I'll get it done. Just make sure you keep the pussies coming."

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JACK NEO'S OFFICIAL APOLOGY TO PUBLIC (FIRST AND FINAL DRAFT)

Good morning to members of the press, friends, family, aunties, uncles, haters who think this is a publicity stunt for my next movie, Being Human Being. Today, I plan to settle this in a matured, adult way and hopefully will convince you all that I am not the God of Movies in Singapore and that I am merely, a human being.

MY NAME

I believe you all know me as Jack Neo. If you like wordplay, you can also address me by my other name, Jack "The One". Ponder for just a bit on that name. Are there any Malaysians here? I dare you to name any other actor-director in the movie industry of Singapore other than me. You can't.

obviously someone spelled "pussy" incorrectly

Which is why I clearly don't agree with some of these men standing here today, making claims that I am filthy and that they would never have done what I did. Of course you wouldn't have done it. Your name doesn't begin with Jack. And one thing for sure, your surname isn't NEO. You don't know how it's like living like me. You can't comprehend the sheer power and influence I have over this industry. You have not seen temptations like I had. We're playing a different ball game because if this world is The Matrix, then I am the one doing all the bullet evading shit while you play your role of dying, lonely and full of your so-called integrity and loyalty to family.

MY SUCCESS

In Singapore, everyone knows me. I am the reason that Malaysian directors can't stand up against us in the movie industry. I made me into what I am today, all by my own hard work and you're saying pussy doesn't come along with success? You don't know how hard it was during my early years. How many women have you known who wants to fuck with a comedian playing Liang Po Po and Liang XiMei on TV? I literally sacrificed my dignity to get to where I am today and you're saying the side dish on the menu is not related to pussy? You, my friend, clearly do not understand that in this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then  when you get the power, then you get the women.

the Gospel of Tony

MY MARRIAGE

Half of you here don't even care what happens to me. But isn't it true to the nature of human beings to personally see through the downfall of someone successful? This is ridiculous. Are you buying my DVDs and going to see my films because I'm a faithful husband, or that my movies kicks South East Asian ass? You media people make it look like I'm the one at fault. People say I'm lucky that my wife forgave me. FORGAVE ME?! BLUARRRRGHHHHH FORGAVE ME??!! .....Yes, my wife forgave me and said she has known about this all along. Don't beat yourself to sleep at night screaming "WHY!!?", drawing weird stares from your kids. Well I'll tell you why. I have Old Town White Coffees scattered all around Singapore. I make satirical movies that people like. I am a successful actor, director, writer, host and businessman.

you'd fuck this guy if you know what's good for you in Singapore

If that doesn't set in to your brain nicely. Repeat this:

I. AM. JACK. NEO.

Thank you.

Giving

EDIT:
Okay I think it's time for me to clear this up. Remember when I said I think I didn't get the right message across through the initial post? I was right and I'll rephrase the main point. I'm definitely not saying that we need no reason to give. What I wanted to say is, to give without basing your reason on good or bad. JUST GIVE TO FOR THE SAKE OF GIVING. Don't give cause he's poor. Don't give cause you need his help. Just give cause you feel like giving, with zero expectations.

I'm not gonna rewrite the whole post so just read this shit.

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Things are beginning to get stale here so it's time for another update. But then, what is there to talk about? Yeah I'm back in Sarawak after 4 months. You know, sometimes I feel like blogging about Sarawak and life here but it's just straight fucked up and boring. West Malaysians are still taking our resources and develop their peninsular while we still get called tree-dwellers or some shit about we swimming to go shopping. So fuck that. The connection here is fucking with me and I'm so the very uninspired. Gonna leave this here and go watch some youtube videos.

Okay, I'm back.. after 3 hours of reading inane articles.

Have you guys ever wondered if it's possible to just help people just for the hell of it? I mean, for no reasons, you just give that guy a punch cause his face needed beautification. Oh wait, that sounds wrong. Let's try this. You just for no reason, gave a kid you passed by a lollipop. Ah damn, all these examples are terrible.

The main point is, are humans capable of giving just for the sake of giving? Let me clear the confusion out of your mind. By saying, 'just cause you wanna give', I meant CAN HUMANS GIVE WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING AT ALL? All bullshit aside, let's ask ourselves some questions. Isn't it true that most of us give because-
-we think some old hag is poor
-we think he needs help
-we have spare change
-we need help in return
-she's got pussy and you coincidentally have a dick (and vice versa, I'm not sexist)
-we wanna get to heaven

These examples signifies that most people, if not all still give something for a reason. Can't we just walk up to a rich guy with everything in the world and give him something? Can we not give money away to people just cause they're poor? Can Paul Gilbert just give a PGM401 to me without ever considering my total devotion for him?

It appears to me lately (I really mean for the past 3 hours) that people give for a reason. Now I'm just sayin', people do give for good and bad reasons, but they RARELY, AND I MEAN MOTHERFUCKIN RARELY give for no reason. And I'm just trying to be safe just in case some motherfucker decides to get all Einstein on me and prove me wrong. Personally, I've never encountered any.

This post is not about right or wrong, I'm just pondering why can't people give for no reason. Oh, I forgot to mention, it's also cause I'm jealous.

You know, what riles me up nowadays is that rich people give shit away cause, "Oh this old man is very poor. I'm gonna cry myself to sleep if I don't give him shit." That's some noble shit but I can't stomach this. And yes you're correct, it's cause I'm not at the receiving end of this giving business. I'm jealous, so I wanna hide behind my computer and complain by coming up with silly reasonings to cope with my jealousy.

p.s. I'm kinda sad after writing this because I think I wasn't able to get the message that I really wanted to convey to you people with my level of command over English. So, here's one big FUCK to that.

You Guys Asked For It

I remember some band came out with their version of Michael's Jackson "Beat It" sometime ago. Or maybe a few years before. I don't know. But what I know is guitar players (shredders especially) facepalmed themselves repeatedly cause they think John Mayer ruined the shred-y solo that Van Halen originally played. Others moaned in dismay just because it's Fall Out Boy.

But then came December 8, 2009. These critics learnt that they are gonna get what they ask, in lethal dose. Somehow, somewhere.. Yngwie Malmsteen answered their prayers while eating his daily intake of Big Macs, or maybe just some fuckin' donuts. I don't know which. I found out today that last December, Yngwie came up with another compilation album again and in it, there's a cover of "Beat It". Taken from wikipedia, it says there that this is one of his "most masterful performances since 1993".

I wasn't planning on writing today but this shit is just too funny. I was laughing like it was Comedy Central right here at my apartment. Dear guitar players, will you side with Yngwie, or Van Halen?

Brace yourself, cause here it comes. "Beat It" by the Viking himself.



p.s. OH BY THE WAY PAUL UPDATED HIS SITE SAYING THAT HE IS IN THE PROCESS OF RECORDING OH MY GOD I'M CUMMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!