If I Worked for Jack

The silence of the night gently ushered me to sleep right after I decided that there was enough bullshit hands dealt to me in Zynga's Poker game on Facebook. Setting the alarm to wake me up at 1pm the next day, I slipped into my pajamas and lied on the bed anticipating a good night sleep. Out of a sudden, Mr. Big's Green Tinted Sixties Mind played on my cellphone. It was a phone call. From Jack Neo a.k.a. 梁智强.

"Hey Chun Kiat, I'm in deep shit right now. It's going to be on the news tomorrow."

"Calm down Jack, tell me what you need. You KNOW my motherfucking brilliance will get you out of whatever shithole you're in." I replied after sensing a grave tone in his speech.

He exhaled after a moment of definite silence. I can almost smell the faint scent of cigarette smoke coming out of his mouth. Dunhill. Lights. 20s. Bought at the 7-11 right across the road... At least that's what he told me the last time we talked. I chose not to disclose this personal addiction of his to his mother.

the smell of cigarettes. and sex scandals.

"Chun Kiat, this is going to fuck my reputation up. Even thought half of these motherfuckers are fucking sluts right inside their Alphards parked in their garage while their wives are making chicken rice for them, they still want to condemn me for this."

"WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED?! WHO DID YOU FUCK WITH THIS TIME?!" I screamed into the phone, prompting my mom to threaten me with a spank on the ass for not sleeping at 5am.

"Wendy. Wendy Chong. There's a press conference tomorrow, you gotta pull me out of this dump. And I swear by God, if you don't come up with something good, I'm going to turn into a vampire and bite you. Then I'll flip your wallet for your ID, locate your home and bite all your family members. They'll bite the others and when the time comes, I'll have these fucking vampires descend upon Singapore. Their blood is in your hands, darling.

Right then I was sweating like a porn star doing a 40 men gangbang. Intense. I calmly replied, "I'll get it done. Just make sure you keep the pussies coming."

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JACK NEO'S OFFICIAL APOLOGY TO PUBLIC (FIRST AND FINAL DRAFT)

Good morning to members of the press, friends, family, aunties, uncles, haters who think this is a publicity stunt for my next movie, Being Human Being. Today, I plan to settle this in a matured, adult way and hopefully will convince you all that I am not the God of Movies in Singapore and that I am merely, a human being.

MY NAME

I believe you all know me as Jack Neo. If you like wordplay, you can also address me by my other name, Jack "The One". Ponder for just a bit on that name. Are there any Malaysians here? I dare you to name any other actor-director in the movie industry of Singapore other than me. You can't.

obviously someone spelled "pussy" incorrectly

Which is why I clearly don't agree with some of these men standing here today, making claims that I am filthy and that they would never have done what I did. Of course you wouldn't have done it. Your name doesn't begin with Jack. And one thing for sure, your surname isn't NEO. You don't know how it's like living like me. You can't comprehend the sheer power and influence I have over this industry. You have not seen temptations like I had. We're playing a different ball game because if this world is The Matrix, then I am the one doing all the bullet evading shit while you play your role of dying, lonely and full of your so-called integrity and loyalty to family.

MY SUCCESS

In Singapore, everyone knows me. I am the reason that Malaysian directors can't stand up against us in the movie industry. I made me into what I am today, all by my own hard work and you're saying pussy doesn't come along with success? You don't know how hard it was during my early years. How many women have you known who wants to fuck with a comedian playing Liang Po Po and Liang XiMei on TV? I literally sacrificed my dignity to get to where I am today and you're saying the side dish on the menu is not related to pussy? You, my friend, clearly do not understand that in this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then  when you get the power, then you get the women.

the Gospel of Tony

MY MARRIAGE

Half of you here don't even care what happens to me. But isn't it true to the nature of human beings to personally see through the downfall of someone successful? This is ridiculous. Are you buying my DVDs and going to see my films because I'm a faithful husband, or that my movies kicks South East Asian ass? You media people make it look like I'm the one at fault. People say I'm lucky that my wife forgave me. FORGAVE ME?! BLUARRRRGHHHHH FORGAVE ME??!! .....Yes, my wife forgave me and said she has known about this all along. Don't beat yourself to sleep at night screaming "WHY!!?", drawing weird stares from your kids. Well I'll tell you why. I have Old Town White Coffees scattered all around Singapore. I make satirical movies that people like. I am a successful actor, director, writer, host and businessman.

you'd fuck this guy if you know what's good for you in Singapore

If that doesn't set in to your brain nicely. Repeat this:

I. AM. JACK. NEO.

Thank you.