Marketing Mix

People always believe that my ultimate purpose in college is to measure how many classes I can skip and how late I can wake up and still be able to make it to class. Today I’m going to disprove all those who dare misjudge me based on my attendance sheet. Contrary to popular belief, I learnt a lot in this past few months and if the government knew any better, they should’ve hired me as a lecturer in UM 22 years ago.

You people still remember the 4Ps of Marketing? Having trouble providing examples during the exam? What, you haven’t learn the 4Ps? Whatever, I’m still going to run my mouth whether you know it or not.

1. Product

Love, like I’ve said since before the beginning of time, is a lot like business. And we, boys and girls are the products. We’re all born differently (sexual positions mommy and daddy used when daddy unloaded his pride) and are meant to cater to different tastes. It’s like how only guys use the condom and girls use the dildo. It goes like this. If you are hot, you will get good response. If you’re not an eye candy, rejoice because 60% of the population in Malaysia are blind.

Lovers are interchangeable just like products in business transactions. Nobody buys a car when they want to fly. Nobody buys a soap when they are hungry, but I'll applaud you for this if you're retarded. You want someone to feed you, you get a rich kid. You want sex, find someone with a dick hung like a horse. You want companionship, find a guy who operates his mouth like CNN on Astro, or a gay.

2. Promotion

In business, it’s about how you market yourself. With the correct ingredients, you can make people buy your shitty product even if it’s shitty. But if you’re stupid, even 2 million dollars worth of advertising money won’t save you from the hellhole that is the whorehouse. If given the chance, I think that this example shines the most.

You know those visually undesirable rich guys with luxury cars and items who you think won’t ever get the chance to date anyone? Let me tell you something, if you saw the word rich in the sentence before this, you would’ve guessed it correctly that they get more pussy in a night compared to you in a lifetime.

BUT, if you use all those money to buy some useless stuff like computers or guitars, it’s not going to get you chicks. Computers only get you free porn and guitars only get you… I don’t know, admiration from men? Sounds gay, but this signifies poor advertising.

3. Price

Lovers in Malaysia are still not that well versed in the art of pricing. Price is about how you value yourself. If you’re a fat guy it’s only obvious that you go for the fat or chubby chicks. Shitty products get shitty prices. You don’t see a broom going for the price of $99, right? Unless it can be used as a musical instrument and a Shaolin ass-beating pole, I’m not paying $99 for a piece of stick.

But there is a trick that businessmen like to use. Overprice your stuff. This don't always work but you'll thank me for helping you lose your virginity. People are stupid, so you take advantage of them. If you overprice yourself people will think that you HAVE to have something to offer. If they buy you. Do what you want and then proceed to market yourself with a different price, or go through a different distribution channel.

4. Place

Place sometimes is also referred to as a distribution channel. Why is this important? Imagine this, you’re from a working class family with an allowance of $1000 a month. Where do you go to drink? If you answered, SkyBar or any of those places that are classy, I highly recommend that you take a few steps forward from that SkyBar and jump all the way down to HellBar.

Know your roles, people. If you’re poor, go grab some ass in some cheap ass bars. Beautiful people are exempted from this rule though. Because they are necessities. They go wherever they want and people will still be into them. If we compare them to products, they are similiar to Louis Vuittons. Why not those who lack cash, you ask? Because it's only a matter of time when they see that you're just a poor fuck with nothing to offer.