Me Ruining People's Song: Part 1

I don’t know what song is this but it’s by Jolin Tsai. Heard this song while I was in a karaoke session. Upbeat song and I think the feel is very great for guitarists like me to ruin. So here it is. This is the second take. Yeah it has mistakes but the first one had too much so I had to retake. Reason: Jolin I’m still considering you as the top Taiwanese chick I’d like to bang!

All that aside, let me briefly tell you what I’ve been up to these days (guitar wise, obviously. I lead a boring life). One good thing lately is that I’m getting inspired by all the wrong people into playing guitar. Yes, Paul Gilbert is still number one but guess who’s number two? IT’S JACKY CHEUNG!!!!! In my humble opinion, I think modern Taiwan-HK pop killed guitar solos completely. I know I know, and I’m aware that guitar solos are still around in these pop songs but they’re so scarce you’d have to squint your eyes so hard like you’re getting fucked up the ass… by a pair of scissors.

I’ve been listening back to my favourite Jacky Cheung songs from my childhood days and I noticed there are interesting solos in his songs back then. In relation to gapnap’s… don’t know which post, forgot already, I agree to the fact that shredding and solos might be back sometime in the near future. But considering the state of Taiwan-HK music, I don’t think the Chinese community will ever be able experience the beauty of the instrument. Well, fuck them lah I’m indifferent in a way cause this shit makes me way cooler than the average Chinese. Better if there’s less Chinese who shreds, fuck competition!

p.s. I think the background of the video is better this time around. No images of a skinny fuck playing guitar and stuff. A Coca Cola thingy (I don’t know what is that called) full of cigarettes is cooler.

You Know You're Busy When

1. You haven’t updated your blog in 3 weeks.

2. You haven’t been regularly checking out the sites you visit daily like:

michaelooi.net
awkwardboners.com
sixthseal.com
vbglau.blogspot.com

3. You don’t play guitar more than half an hour a day.

4. You don’t listen to Paul Gilbert’s Silence Followed By a Deafening Roar for more than 3 times a day.

5. You’re stuck with the online sensation called Dragonica.

6. You haven’t had dinner with your housemates for more than 5 days.

7. You don’t bother asking your housemates, “Eh this weekend got what plan ah?”


All that aside, I still visit gapnap.com and paulgilbert.com religiously every damn day. And if any of you love Paul Gilbert enough you would’ve known that Paul just updated his site a few days ago telling people to buy more of shit and go to his newly added clinics. Well it’s not really significant when you think of it, but hey it’s fucking Paul Gilbert we’re talking about here.

People are afraid of changes, and I think I’ve overcame them in this case. Just a few months ago I was wondering if they’ll be anybody I’ll get along with in my new course. Fuck, this is kinda harsh but it is really easy to make friends when you have no old friends hanging out with you in the class. I remember when I was back in Computing, I’d stick like glue to this one old friend of mine from Sarawak. The daily schedule would be, class> sit together> talk together> go home> guitar> sleep. No spaces for others to chip in, no new friends to be made. Now that we’re separated, I realized that I’ve been going out more than I used to (it’s nice but the thing is I haven’t been going out with that old friend). Which explains point 1 and point 2.


Other than that, I’ve been working quite hard lately. Just found a new job a month ago. Oh boy, the pay isn’t bad so I’m not complaining. The satisfaction is overwhelming too, for I haven’t had a job for almost 1 year I think. One thing for sure, it’s taking up a lot of my own free time. Less time also means no time for friends. So this explains point 5 and point 6.

Obviously, less free time also translates to less guitar playing. For all you Gilbert haters, yes I still do get inspiration from him. But I’d just sit there and play for a maximum of 20 minutes or so. I guess I’m stuck now. It’s like when you know how to sweep pick, you know a lick or two, but getting there is just so hard. Kind of sad and it makes you wanna stick to your old shit. But then, improvements don’t come by itself, no? No doubt, this explains point 3.

Lastly, whatever free time I got I spend them on this new online game my friend introduced called Dragonica. It isn’t exactly THAT fun but fuck, when you’ve got nothing to do everything seems to be fun. Besides, you get to shoot crabs! Nothing much to say here, but this explains point 4 and 5. Oh yeah, partly cause I’m hooked to Greg Howe’s Ascend and rediscovering Guthrie Govan’s Erotic Cakes.

Now I know you all just come here to see sacred and rare Paul Gilbert videos that you are too lazy to look out for. Hell yeah, what’s a reversedkyanon post without a youtube video of Paul, right? Just when I thought I wasn’t inspired, this video made me noodle along the fretboard for an hour or so last night. It is VERY UNRELATED to inspiration but if you know me, you’ll know that I get orgasm just by hearing Paul speak. Here’s the video.

Boy Tells Lie, Girl Not Left Out

It is without any qualms when I say that everyone is a liar. Yes, the one you told your dad about you giving him RM1000 a month for him to “yum cha” counts. It may be a white lie, but fuck you know it is still a lie no matter how you put it. But if you’re serious about it, please look into the mirror and picture a dick on top of your head. Anyways, that’s not the point of this post. I believe boys lie, but less than their female counterparts. Here are some lies that I am GUESSING that everyone has said at least once in their lives.

1. Oh yeah… great… oh yes for sure I was listening, dear.
2. Oh the car bumper isn’t new, dad. I just washed it last night when I came back at 4am after drinking and driving.
3. I was (whatever shit that is not called masturbating) last night while talking to you.
4. You’re my first….
5. Nah, I’m not into any of your girl friends.
6. Oh wow that’s so interesting!
7. Yeah dad I’m going for tuition. Oh yeah if my shirt smells like cigarettes it’s only cause one of my friends smoke. Nope I’m NOT going to cybercafés
8. Mom I need the tuition fees for the ten o clock tuition (which I’ve never attended).
9. Wh-What? What is squirting? Gee I’ve never heard of that term..
10. I love you too.


What, you think I’m just gonna stop there? Think again, motherfuckers. Although 100% of my readers consists of males but I’d like to GUESS what lies girls tell too. As far as I’m concerned, girls tell about the same amount of lies as guys do, or maybe even more. But hell, when she looks at you with those puppy eyes you’ll think that the stars are somehow aligned tonight and she’s telling the fucking truth. Let me educate some of you bastards and shove this principle into your brain: Don’t Trust Anyone.

1. Sense of humor is the main quality I look for in a guy.
2. It’s so big.
3. You’re my first…
4. You’re my fourth *pauses* but this is my first time….
5. Oh he’s just a friend.. who coincidentally says he loves me as a friend, takes me out, buy me expensive shit.
6. I’m not that kind of girl.
7. Hey help me with this bit of assignment tonight? A.K.A. Just do all this shit for me, thanks.
8. Oh yeah I go to clubs to dance, helps me keep fit. But ignore the fact that I drink more than I dance.
9. Heavy metal? Uhh… umm…. I like it! *after two days* Hey is Coldplay heavy metal?
10. I only cheated because he was mean to me.


Anything you wanna add? Just to let you know, I'm glaring intently at my Music Master friends.

Dear Diary,

Last night Paul Gilbert appeared in my dream. He floated down from the sky, accompanied by a couple of angels holding PGMs. Each comes in different colours. I wanted to wrap my hands around neck of the angel holding a PGM401 so that I can have her guitar. I am truly sorry Paul, I will not ever have sinful thoughts again. Anyway, Paul himself held his trusted six string weapon of choice, the Fireman. Rays of light shone upon him the whole time he appeared in flesh. For a moment there, I was scared. I almost peed my pants. But I felt like a prophet, for now I know how all the prophets before me felt. He proceeded to pass me his latest instructional DVD entitled, “Silence Followed By A Deafening Roar Guitar Instructional DVD And Shred Annex.” Then he said to me,

“Slowiehands. Even though your nickname is totally unoriginal, lame and is a play on Eric Clapton’s Slowhand, I will forgive you. Just cause you’re the only one fan who goes to youtube.com everyday without fail, type in Paul Gilbert in the search engine, and proceed to click “Newest” every. fucking. day. You’re a fucking stalker, do you know that?

All that aside, I have realized that you haven’t been writing a tribute post to me in a long time. Now now, that is very sinful, my son. I hope you will realize your sinful ways and repent if you want to ever step foot on the garden of Gilbertdom. Don’t you know? Every Gilbertians will be given all my CDs and DVDs. And they’re free, you cheap fuck. I know you’re thinking if you have to pay for them, you immoral Gilbertian.

That is all I have to say, young one. Go out there and spread Gilbertology. Let hell rain a firestorm upon those who dare blaspheme against me. And force them to sit in your car and listen to Viking Kong at least 6 times. This DVD is a gift for you. A revelation, you may say. Now go, my son. Go~~~~~”

Then he floated back up to the clouds, I think I saw Jimi there getting ready to shine Paul’s shoes. Damn, too bad he died young, I wonder how long he’s been shining Paul’s shoes. Poor soul. Before I wake up, I still remember vague instances of me kneeling down, flailing my arms freely in the air while screaming “All hail Gilbert!” over and over again. It’s pretty gay but hey, what is a man to do when he encounters a godly presence? In order to show that I know more about Paul than the other Gilbertians, I will post a video of him dropping the F-bomb which he rarely does, on my blog.

Impossible Is Nothing

Below is a conversation between two mature, grown up gentlemen. This brief discussion took place in a very high classed restaurant on top of some tall building in a certain city. But may God damn these two souls to hell, for their intentions were not pure. Sin consumed their bare heart and soul, leaving nothing left for the pure to grab hold of. Let’s not waste time, and let me unravel the conversation concerning .. “The Ultimate Argument of the Possible.”

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A: Hmm, do you believe in time travel like in the movie, Back to The Future? *takes a sip off the glass of wine*

B: Not really, it is a highly improbable feat to achieve. Ah, let me rephrase. It is definitely impossible for our small brains to accomplish time travel. Take your time to prepare your rebuttal, friend.

A: Time? I need not time to counter your argument. Have you ever seen shit eating porn? The 2 Girls 1 Cup shit? Yeah, the one when you grabbed your dick getting ready to jack off but got freaked out when you saw them licking shit? AND YOU TELL ME TIME TRAVELLING IS IMPOSSIBLE? ALL THIS BULLSHIT WHEN YOU’VE SEEN SHIT EATING PORN? THERE IS NOTHING, NOTHING OUT THERE IN THIS WORLD THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE WHEN YOU’VE SEEN SHIT EATING PORN! *jumps off the building to his death*

B: *grabbing the chairs with his sweaty palms* May Satan spare his soul, at least don’t torture him by making him watch shit eating porn for eternity….
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Although the above conversation is purely fictional and fully takes place in my imagination, I would like to make a clever guess that approximately 1/3 of the porn surfing community have never lived a normal life after watching shit eating porn. Either they committed suicide, or they failed committing suicide and end up in the hospital. What I’d like to convey through this post is that I think nothing is impossible in this world except eternity.. or time.

Let’s talk about the possible first. Can you imagine human eating something out from the asshole? When we were young we were told to not eat shit, or even step on shit. But these brave souls proved us wrong. Shit is edible, shit eating is their profession. I take their work as an insult personally, it’s like all my beliefs are trampled on mercilessly, they’ve thrown their food(shit) all over my belief that shit eating is impossible. Dayum! Now I can’t ask people to eat shit anymore, who knows they secretly love eating shit! (Sam I’m looking at you)

That day I stumbled upon a disgusting blog talking about BDSM and bestiality. What ran through my mind was, “Nah this is impossible, no sane human being would do this kind of shit.” But analytically, I rested on my white plastic mamak chair and thought to myself, “But then again, this shit doesn’t even come close to shit eating porn!” Carefully, I closed the browser, hoping never to encounter such insidious crime against humanity ever again…

On the other hand,

Eternity, in my opinion, is the ONLY thing that is impossible. Not that I’m complaining that I haven’t enough time to fuck chicks and whatnot. Hell, I’m kinda scared of eternity. Imagine what the fuck you’re going to do if you’re gonna live for eternity. Watch tv all day? Think of shit to blog about all day? What if you got cancer at the age of 30 and you have to live through it until a cure is found? Now that shit is fucking boring, and painful too.

Moral of the story, next time when you think something is improbable. Think shit eating porn. It will open a whole new world for you. Just like when Aladin thought it’s impossible to fly on a flying velvet carpet with Jasmine.

Me, You, Them, Us

Some of us live our live grandly and some below average. Complain or boast however you want, but isn’t it true when I say we sometimes live our life just like any other person out there? Whether you are rich or poor, it doesn’t really matter. We are bonded by those tiny moments that all of us can relate to. This is what I think whenever I compare myself to people living a better life than me, or worse. No matter what, we as humans are still the same. Just that some are a tad bit luckier than the other. It makes me smile, though.. knowing that I share similarities with people I don’t know, you may call it humanism. These kind of things make us unite as the human race.

Ah, yes I’ve touched the surface of human tribalism in the last post but hey, hypocrisy is also an innate thing we all share, right? Cut to the chase, I’d like to share with you little things that may sound insignificant, but downright bond us together as a species.

1. Ever went to mamak stalls, and they guy just won’t come and let you pay for your food no matter how hard you waved, how hard you do the West Malaysian “kissy” sound?

2. Ever woke up thinking today is Sunday for almost the whole day when it is only Saturday?

3. Ever scratched someone else’s car with yours, only to get the fuck out of there hoping that no damn soul saw what the fuck you just did?

4. Ever wondered if anyone is coming up the stairs when you’re masturbating? Then you made yourself ejaculate faster, go out of the room only to find out everyone is sleeping? Bummer, right?

5. Ever felt like the whole room is trying to see the size of your dick when you’re pissing into a urinal? So you gotta hide your dick like the devil’s coming for it?

6. Ever tried saying Hello to a distant friend of yours only to be ignored by him or her? Then you just want to land your clenched fist onto his or her face?

7. Ever breakout into a song to hide the fact that you were actually dancing to some gay song on the radio? Yeah, fucking embarrassing, I know.

8. Ever felt like telling your friends that you love them(as a friend -_-) but held back because you’re afraid that you might sound gay?

9. Ever faked not hearing your girlfriend say, “I love you” just because you wanted to hear it twice?

Last but not least,

10. Ever felt like commenting on reversed kyanon but afraid that you might sound like an asshole?

Guy is Smart, Decides to Start Wars

It has been brought to my attention that I haven’t been writing life-altering scriptures that make me oh-so politically-conscious on my blog. Before you get your mouth running, nope I don’t care about the world unless it affects me in a third degree relationship. Why should I worry about the world when I have so many fucking problems myself? As trivial as they may seem, my problems are bigger than yours because me living under a bridge begging for spare change does not affect you, but me. Well, maybe the occasional, “Do you have spare change?” But hey, you can choose not to give any.

I have this little theory that many others before me would’ve thought of, since smart minds think alike. And I would like to share this theory with you all. A brief reminder though, please do not take anything you read on the internet seriously, including this one. I am telling you right fucking now that I’m only partially serious about this. Shall we begin?

Okay, I personally think that we aren’t gonna live through 50. Forget all the sugar coated statements made by political figures all around the world saying we’re at peace and whatnot. No, we’re not fucking at peace. We just wanna destroy whoever that don’t belong. What I’m trying to imply is, we as humans are still mammals all along. No matter how far we’ve progressed as our civilization, there’s still this instinct deep inside of us. It’s called the survival instinct, tribal at its very core, like a beast contained in the curtains of laws. Laws, who wrote them? Men. Men smart enough to know that they have to limit the people who are able unleash their beast upon the world. In other words, these people try to hold you back in your line, let you think you have rights when you have none. Or make you suck their dicks.

DIGRESSION ALERT: A BRIEF INTRODUCTION TO DICK-SUCKING
You might not realize but each one of us has been sucking dicks everyday ever since we’re born. Remember the time you had to get 100% in your English just cause you wanted your dad to buy you that PS2 so badly? Remember the time when the teacher said, “I’ll let you off early if you pay attention in class?” Remember the time when you gave that policeman RM20 cause you wanna get the fuck out of the roadblock? Remember the time when you had to act differently from your usual self just to not piss off a certain someone? FUCK YES, that’s all sucking dick in my book, it might not be literal but the idea is there.

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So less on dick sucking and more on war shit. Believe it or not, people just wanna control other people. Doctors, engineers, whatever the fuck profession you can think of. We just want to control your money, control you, make you come to us when you have problems with your health, problems with your toilet. Oh boy we work so damn hard just to have that control. On a larger scale though, society wants to control you through wars. I mean, let’s get fucking real. In the last 100 years there’s so many wars fought in the name of “freedom” and “rights” (which are all man-made). And there’s one or two that hit us, the Japanese Invasion, anyone? What makes you think there isn’t gonna be any war in the next 100? Believe me, when it rains, it pours. We’re gonna get hit so fucking hard I’d jack off one last time before I hit the ground. Or maybe punch the guy next to me, just for the sake of it.

To conclude, human tribalism is here to stay. That means we’ll always be competing, ousting people who don’t look and act the same with us. If it goes onto a larger scale, wars happen. The gears of war are already starting to rotate. Have fun and fuck chicks before it’s too late. Don’t forget to suck your daily dicks for survival. A dick a day keeps the money coming in.